Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Knock It Off, Jay-Z

Congratulations on having a kid. In fact, congratulations on being the first guy on the planet to ever have a kid. Oh, wait. You aren't the first? Well, shit. By the way you've been acting, it seems that you think you are the first dad on the planet. In fact, you seem to think you're the only dad on the planet, you inconsiderate fuck.

Some people might think that I should include your wife, Beyonce, in this post, but I disagree. I know I shouldn't dismiss her for this behavior, but it wouldn't surprise me to see this from a woman. Women are crazy, and pregnant women are the ninth circle of insane. If she shit up a playground slide while juggling dead hamsters, I wouldn't be that shocked. You, however, are a grown man. You really deserve a punch in the face for the way you're acting.

It's one thing to rent a wing of a hospital for the birth of your child, but to prevent other fathers from seeing their kids is absolute bullshit. Your shitheel security blocked a dad from seeing his newborn who happened to be hanging on to life by a thread. If I were that dad, I'd have two options. I could be rational and just call the cops to let me in. I could also do what would probably be more along the lines of what would be realistic for me and start swinging scalpels. You don't keep another dad from his kid. That's just asshole behavior.

Now, you say you're retiring the word bitch. You can't retire a word, bitch. You can stop using it yourself, bitch, but you have to remember, bitch, that bitch is in the chorus of one of your most famous songs, bitch. You see, bitch, just because you, the almighty Jay-Bitch, have a daughter, doesn't mean the word bitch can't exist anymore, bitch. Your daughter isn't that precious, bitch, and with as spoiled as your newborn daughter already is, bitch, she's bound to be a bitch.

You need to calm down. I have a daughter, too. What you're doing is trying to create a perfect world for her. There is no such thing. She's going to bump her head, shit her pants and fail at things. You can't prevent that. You can try, but you will fail. It's life. The more you keep her in a bubble, the worse off she'll be. She won't know how to deal with people in any way other than to boss them around. If you create a princess, you'll have a queen bitch. That's the way it works. Just live like a normal human being. Let her fall down once in awhile. If you don't, she'll never learn to pick herself up.

No comments: