Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Knock It Off, David Cross

This one pains me. It really does. I love comedy, and I'm a fan of yours. I like your stand-up. I own your albums. I like Arrested Development, The Incredibly Long Show Title That Ends in Todd Margaret and Mr. Show. Run, Ronnie, Run is under-appreciated. I think you have a great comedic voice that needs to be heard. That being said, your recent complaints about working on the latest Chipmunks movie make you look like a ridiculous fool.

I heard it on a podcast, then on another, and then on a talk show. You began to tell the tale of how you were made to work in a scene on a cruise ship, and you wore a mascot suit for your scenes. You talked about it as though your captors were shoving bamboo under your fingernails while gang raping your girlfriend in front of you. The big complaint was that your face wasn't visible, so the asshole producers could have hired a stand-in to do your scenes. They could have, but they were already paying you.

I seem to remember you being a person who would make fun of people like you. You used to shit on conventional Hollywood, and now you're turning into what you despise. Think about your complaint for a minute. You're upset because you had to do your job. You are angry that you had to fill the role of your character. You believe that the producers are scum for not letting you sit at home while someone who makes a fraction of what you make does the work that you deem to be horrific. Am I missing anything?

As an actor, you have the easiest job in the world. You play pretend, and you get a hefty paycheck to do so. In the scenes on the ship, you didn't even have to remember lines. Can it get any easier? I don't even begrudge you making shitty movies. I get it. Everyone needs to get paid. I'd do it too. What I wouldn't do is cry over something as simple as having to do the job I was hired to do. Stop the whining and appreciate the life you have. Not everyone gets to fuck off for a living.

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